Saturday, August 4, 2012

Were Complete

I knew in my heart after I had Zoie that I wanted more children.  How many? I wasn't sure, but I knew I wanted her to have a sister or brother.  I have a wonderful sister and I couldn't imagine not having her to confide into and to always be there for me.  It was a very long struggle to have Raygen.  Infertility is agonizing for a women and miscarriage after miscarriage is down right torture.  I was so lost and struggling through the whole process.  I was to the point after my third IUI that I was hoping if I was going to loose that baby that I just get a negative pregnancy test.  But my 3rd IUI was a positive.  I knew before I went for the blood work that I was loosing the baby.  The worst part was I was on my way to Seattle to take my dad to his chemo treatment when I had the first blood draw then on our way home we stopped again.  Before I was home I got the call saying I lost the baby.  I couldn't do it any more.  I was heart broken and just broken all together.  I could not figure out why I couldn't have another baby since having Zoie was so easy. 
We were going on vacation in July 2010 and I had one last round of clomid and I thought "why not."  I didn't chart my cycle, didn't do any ovulation test, I just lived and had a good time during vacation.  I sat in the hottest hot tubs, ate seafood, had a few drinks and just enjoyed myself.  I did things that I hadn't let myself do for the last two years "just in case" I was pregnant or "it's not good to do if your trying."  I even drank coffee and pop again, it was wonderful, lol.  Guess What??  I ended up pregnant.  I was so scared at first because I had all the symptom's as I did with my miscarriages.  Cramping, lower back pain, spotting.  I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and was also put on hormones to help with the spotting.  It was a scary, rough pregnancy and I was so scared for our 19 week ultrasound.  Which I guess I had reason to be.  I was so relieved to see a baby on the screen but so terrified when they said she had a possible heart defect.  I was absolutely devastated when I was told Raygen had HLHS.
I decided then that God was speaking to me.  I was going to dedicate myself to my two beautiful girls that I was blessed with.  Yesterday I went and had the Essure procedure done.  It is a permanent birth control.  I know my heart and I'm fully at peace with my decision to be fixed.  The idea of going through another pregnancy terrifies me.  My family is complete and my heart is good with that.  These two girls our it for us.  The Essure procedure is quick and easy and felt like the right fix for me.  Yesterday after the procedure I was sore and very tired and slept most the day.  Today I feel okay a little tired and nausea's, but not in too bad of pain.  I'm thinking by tomorrow I should be able to get back to my normal routine.  I am in no way promoting "getting fixed." I'm just sharing my thoughts and feelings of why I did it.
Our life is good and we are blessed.  God is good all the time.