So what has been stopping me from living my dream life? Why have I been slacking on the most precious part of my life. Why have I been struggling to become something I am NEVER going to be? Could I blame Instagram? Yes. Could I blame Facebook? Yes. Could I blame our society? Yes. But most of all I blame myself. I have fallen victim to what so many us of do on a daily basis. I have set these unrealistic goals for myself and I really need to have a shot of reality thrown in my face before its too late.
I am not going to be a Fitness Model Mom.
Reality did hit me this week and it hit me hard. I've been down and out since Wednesday fighting the worse headache I have ever experienced in my life. I actually slept two full days only waking to take more Nyquil and a quick bite to eat and out again I went. So why does being sick make me have life changing realizations, you ask? Good question. Because as I sit here unable to workout or care what I am eating I'm still looking at everyone I'm following and realize:
FITNESS ISN'T MY JOB. WOW!!!
Everyone I follow is getting paid to Instagram or Facebook. They all have some sort of career based on what they post and I don't. I work full time as my Dad's personal assistant/office secretary (We should ask him how he does when I'm sick.) Full time mom, wife, and fitness is only a part of my life. Fitness isn't my WHOLE life. I look on how I have been the last few months and I shake my head. I've been miserable to tell you the truth because when I'm failing at being that "six pack mom" I see on Instagram it reflects on how I am as a mom, daughter and wife. I am so focused on my "Macro's" for the day that if I slip and fall off track I become so upset and talk down to myself that I am not the most pleasant person to be around. It changes how I am as a parent. Too the point I am ashamed to admit.
For all thing things I HAVE to be grateful for why do I let something as pointless as my weight affect everything. I share this only because I can't help but feel I am not alone. I remember there was a time in my life where working out was fun, running was fun, and testing my limits with fitness was just something I did when I had the time. I used to be able to miss workouts and still enjoy life. I used to go out to Mexican food with my husband and have margarita's and burrito's and not give a dang. Those are what I miss.
If I say it doesn't hurt my pride a little to say I'm never going to be what I see in the magazines or on Instagram I'd be lying. I am not one to throw in the towel or raise my hand in surrender but....this time I'm going to look beyond what I see in the mirror and what I want to see in my husband's face, my girl's faces. What I see in their faces mean the world to me. I don't want to miss any of Zoie's barrel races she has coming up in the Junior Rodeo, I don't want to miss taking Raygen out to experience life on these beautiful sunny days and I don't want to miss out on having dates with my husband. I want to be done with hating myself for what "I can't be" and start loving myself for everything that "I am." I know that admitting you have issues is the first step in a long process to changing, but I see hope that I do want to change. I may not hit 120, but what if I stay at 130 and my family is happy and maybe, just maybe I'll be happy too. I have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing barrel racer who is going to buy me a Saint Bernard someday or maybe two :0) I have my half a heart daughter who I need to love and cherish every single second of everyday because God gave me two gifts that I have been taking for granted way too long. Today is day one for me and day one is going to be a good day.