Sunday, April 9, 2017

I'm not going to be a Fitness Model....

So one of the things I love most about my life is that I am a Mom.  A Mom to two total different, unique, amazing girls.  I always wanted girls. 

So what has been stopping me from living my dream life?  Why have I been slacking on the most precious part of my life.  Why have I been struggling to become something I am NEVER going to be?  Could I blame Instagram? Yes.  Could I blame Facebook? Yes. Could I blame our society? Yes.  But most of all I blame myself.  I have fallen victim to what so many us of do on a daily basis.  I have set these unrealistic goals for myself and I really need to have a shot of reality thrown in my face before its too late.
  I am not going to be a Fitness Model Mom. 


I know what your thinking.....Really????? but it's so true.  Somewhere in my head I thought I could look like everyone I see on TV and on Instagram and all the groups I follow on Facebook.  Why couldn't I?  Everywhere you look it says it's possible, Right???  I mean the world is full of helpful tools, apps, websites, books, and webinars.  Why do I know all of this?  Because I'm the one paying for them and lapping them up like I just found the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Reality did hit me this week and it hit me hard.  I've been down and out since Wednesday fighting the worse headache I have ever experienced in my life.  I actually slept two full days only waking to take more Nyquil and a quick bite to eat and out again I went.  So why does being sick make me have life changing realizations, you ask? Good question.  Because as I sit here unable to workout or care what I am eating I'm still looking at everyone I'm following and realize:

FITNESS ISN'T MY JOB.  WOW!!! 

Everyone I follow is getting paid to Instagram or Facebook.  They all have some sort of career based on what they post and I don't.  I work full time as my Dad's personal assistant/office secretary (We should ask him how he does when I'm sick.) Full time mom, wife, and fitness is only a part of my life.  Fitness isn't my WHOLE life.  I look on how I have been the last few months and I shake my head.  I've been miserable to tell you the truth because when I'm failing at being that "six pack mom" I see on Instagram it reflects on how I am as a mom, daughter and wife.  I am so focused on my "Macro's" for the day that if I slip and fall off track I become so upset and talk down to myself that I am not the most pleasant person to be around.  It changes how I am as a parent.  Too the point I am ashamed to admit. 

For all thing things I HAVE to be grateful for why do I let something as pointless as my weight affect everything.  I share this only because I can't help but feel I am not alone.  I remember there was a time in my life where working out was fun, running was fun, and testing my limits with fitness was just something I did when I had the time.  I used to be able to miss workouts and still enjoy life.  I used to go out to Mexican food with my husband and have margarita's and burrito's and not give a dang.  Those are what I miss.

If I say it doesn't hurt my pride a little to say I'm never going to be what I see in the magazines or on Instagram I'd be lying.  I am not one to throw in the towel or raise my hand in surrender but....this time I'm going to look beyond what I see in the mirror and what I want to see in my husband's face, my girl's faces.  What I see in their faces mean the world to me.  I don't want to miss any of Zoie's barrel races she has coming up in the Junior Rodeo, I don't want to miss taking Raygen out to experience life on these beautiful sunny days and I don't want to miss out on having dates with my husband.  I want to be done with hating myself for what "I can't be" and start loving myself for everything that "I am."  I know that admitting you have issues is the first step in a long process to changing, but I see hope that I do want to change.  I may not hit 120, but what if I stay at 130 and my family is happy and maybe, just maybe I'll be happy too.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have an amazing barrel racer who is going to buy me a Saint Bernard someday or maybe two :0)  I have my half a heart daughter who I need to love and cherish every single second of everyday because God gave me two gifts that I have been taking for granted way too long.  Today is day one for me and day one is going to be a good day.

XOXOXO

Erin