Sunday, August 3, 2014

19 days...

So there is only 19 days till Raygen's Fontan.  As it gets closer it seems to be a constant thought of mine.  No matter how busy my day is, August 22nd is always on my mind.  I know I should somehow be preparing, but how do you prepare?  I remember I over prepared when Raygen was born and once she was born all my planning went out the window.  Now I have learned you can't plan for the unknown, no matter how hard you try.  I feel like if I was planning somehow I would have some control, but I know I have none.  I know it would take me about an hour to pack everything we need for the hospital.  I have done it before and pretty much know now what we have to take so I will probably leave that till the day before.  I know I want to buy some stickers and bubbles for Raygen and of course she will have the ipad and other then that I'm not sure what other comfort items I will take.  She isn't attached to a stuff animal or baby doll so I don't think she necessarily has one except for me.  The one thing that keeps crossing my mind is how bad I want to take Raygen to the zoo.  I have no idea why it is such a big deal for me, but it is.  I'm sad that we aren't taking her before surgery and I know the weather probably won't be great after so it will have to be next summer.  With surgery so close we are keeping Raygen somewhat under house arrest.  We can not risk any sickness or infections what so ever.  I am sad lately.  I am sad that each day that passes is closer to a day where my daughter will have open heart surgery for the third time.  Looking at her now playing I wouldn't think it was time, but I am trusting her doctors and God to know when its "time."  I remember before her second surgery I was ready because Raygen "needed" it badly.  With the Fontan it's harder because she is doing so good that you really wonder if we should wait.  She is walking like crazy lately its so exciting and so scary.  I know as each day passes my emotions are going to be all over the place because there is nothing scarier then your child being sick, hurt, and scared and there is nothing you can do because like I said before there is no preparing for the unknowns.