Saturday, November 12, 2011

Count Down is on

Today we start the pre-admit hospital stuff. We stop Raygen's aspirin, we have to give her a bath every night now and no lotion, and we have to put some antibiotic ointment in her noise twice a day which she hates, lol. I also have to start packing and cleaning and getting Zoie all ready to move back in with my parents while we are away. I think the realization that this time it wont be cancelled that this time when we go to to the hospital our baby is going to have her 2nd heart surgery is sinking in. The whole airway issue is so scary and the unknown just haunts me. I am so scared to see Raygen on the vent 5 days before surgery. It's hard because she will be just like she is now but on a vent and I can't hold her and comfort her the way I can now. I know the hospital and doctors are just being cautious but the idea of being robbed of 5 days with her makes me so mad. Our last time at the hospital is all I can imagine and if this trip in anyway compares I don't know how I'm going to make it. I am not the calmest person at the hospital my emotions are off the charts and I tend to cry all the time and I tend to be very moody and snappy. I can't help it. Don't you feel bad for Randy now? lol! It is not easy putting your child's life in the hands of someone else and put your trust in them that they will do whats best for Raygen and have the best intentions for her when I feel like last time they didn't and that is why we have the trach. I know I have to let the past be the past and remember that this time will be different but it is so hard. I can't believe my daughter's first Thanksgiving she will be recovering from open heart surgery. This time last year we just found out about Raygen's heart in our 20 week ultrasound and had know idea how our life would change. I wonder where we will be this time next year. I dream of a family Thanksgiving with Zoie and Raygen and no trach and some wonderful trip to Leavenworth. That's what I'm going to focus on and believe that this time will be easier for Raygen and that we will all be home back together again by Christmas. I just have to remind myself that God loves Raygen more then I do and that no matter what happens it is in his hands and I have to give my fears to him. I pray with all my heart that Raygen will feel the least amount of pain and discomfort and have a quick and easy recovery. Trach or no trach I don't care just as long as we bring Raygen home that is all that matters.